Dude my mom stole all your condoms
After 4 hours of foreplay he passed out and almost immediately peed in my bed. Naked. Like a fountain. Then tried to deny it in the morning by saying he just sweats a lot.
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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