The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I always know im high when I can't remember how to pee.
Randomize
