dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
He caught me mid-escape...one leg out the window, bra n thong in hand.I just looked at him and said "Bye Now" n proceeded to fall out his window....then.... tell me why he texted me 30 min later to make sure i got home ok! #igotthis
You're a disaster
Wanna date?
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
