so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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