I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Let me be the vehicle for you to live out your slutty half-gay dreams.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
Randomize
