dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
you dont remember trying to break dance in the middle of the casino floor on ur own throw up?
oh that explains alot.
you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
PokemonGo as navigation to get some at 5:13 AM. Life choices, yo.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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