I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
do you think the kids from 7th heaven are mad that dennis and sweet dee are their half-brother and sister?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He insists on falling asleep with his penis between my buttcheeks. He says its his "home".
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Long story short, I found someone who takes me seriously when I say I have a Shakespeare kink.
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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