You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
she takes plan B like it's going out of style
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
