I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Randomize
