I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
Just so everyone's clear, it was already on fire when I got there.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
Also, fucking on half deflated air mattresses is a great full body work out.
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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