Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
he chased her out of the bar yelling "TAKE MY VIRGINITY" and i havent seen her since
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
How don't you remember..? You were getting handfuls of skittles out from our bra screaming TASTE THE RAINBOW.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
Randomize
