Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?
Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
She just broke into my apartment while I was asleep, woke me up and drunkenly tried to seduce me for about 2 minutes, then passed out..
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
