is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
We put a ban on pants at an unusually early point in the night.
So apparently I was a completely different person lastnight, one who drinks scotch and makes out with 55 year old men who look like inspector gadget
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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