dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
How are you feeling this morning?
Well, I just found day old puke in my bra, so I've been better.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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