theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Both of us came out of our rooms at the same time in boxers and sat on the couch. No words were spoken.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
Of course I'm going to see her again. She had waterproof handcuffs in her shower.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
