I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
New rule: no balls on the kitchen counter.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I wanna throw up and cum in that order
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
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