There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize