I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I have 4 passes to the spa here, walking around with a robe on and putting cucumber slices on my penis. You guys should come hang out here. It's very relaxing
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I'm hungover and in a fort. And I hate you.
So many questions
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