if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I just woke up in the 4th floor lounge at 5:30AM with my ipod on to springsteen and a condom on
My boss just told me $1,000 at a six hour event wouldn't be worth her time. She makes $70k a yr. and apparently never learned multiplication.
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
There's a kitten on my face and I'm druuuunk
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
Randomize
