My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
Aw don't be embarrassed. It was all good fun! We've all been there. You can't come to vegas and NOT get a little alcohol poisoning. That's like going to church and not praying.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Randomize
