Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
Right after i got done cumming i sat back and gave a big Ric Flair "WOOOOOO!"
Randomize
