From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
I think I just sharted jello shots
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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