How did I get so drunk? We had to fish that girl out of the Goodwill Donation Box.
I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?
She compared sex to doing dishes."You scrub them until they're wet."
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
