I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
mhmm. we know where to go, which places have free bathrooms, how long you can be in one until its sketchy, we have this down to a science. we're like the college sophomore pregaming dream team
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Hey I'm at the gym and I need your personal trainer help. Also can you send me that picture of me eating a sausage. I want to post it on instgram.
Oh god it's open bar.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
Randomize
