Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
Honestly I really just want to do you in the mail truck. Thought about it a lot today
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
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