Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
I can't believe you made out with me with a french fry in your mouth.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Just test drove the kilt for Justin's wedding. NEVER. WEARING. PANTS. AGAIN.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
Randomize
