I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
Spent like 2 minutes so far learning and 35 minutes in a group chat talking about big asses. Yet another Wed zoom meeting.
Randomize
