I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
Randomize