Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Randomize
