Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
we may have ended up at a gay bar on accident. we're gonna work this to get free drinks.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
Randomize
