When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
kerrys trying to convince everyone in the bar shes a lesbian. cheers to not being the drunkest girl in the room. i probably wont piss myself tonight.
he threw up all over himself while laying down.. it was like watching old faithful, but with noodles and vodka
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.
I'm dying.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He wouldn't let me ride him with a Ninja Turtles hat on...
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
she sent me a picture of dilf asleep in bed with the caption "what happened last night?"
It's whatever. I just want to see his dick again
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
