and my herpes radar will keep us safe
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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