This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
A 74 year old man offered to let me sleep on his pull out couch last night.
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
Randomize
