After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Update: I just threw up in between cars in the parking lot of magic kingdom.
Randomize
