Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
FUCK IM ABOUT TO GET A DICK PIC IN THE LIBRARY
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Wanna get drunk and make some bad decisions?
Are you calling me a bad decision?
Randomize
