Turns out you're obligated under man law to share any passwords you may have for porno sites
Is that what they're teaching u at that bar review class?
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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