So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.
just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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