we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
This guy on the bus keeps leaning over and sniffing my hair.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
I think my moral compass just broke
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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