you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
Seriously what kind of college town is this? Nobody parties during the week or abuses perscription drugs
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
Randomize
