You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Everythings in imax form. Space oddessys are formed. Adventure at every moment and everything is epic. My mouth hass lemons. Yum.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
