if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Is it possible to have pulled a muscle in my neck from passing out with my head in a bucket?
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I don't know if I'm feeling really nervous right now or just extremely horny.
In Texas. Drank way too much wine. Puked in a gallon zip lock bag. Passed out at 445 with the ENTIRE family here. Got up at 745 in time for dinner. I made you proud!!!
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Randomize
