White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Randomize
