i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Randomize
