The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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