To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I'm sooo hungover. I fell asleep on top of a car in a parking lot last night. New one to add to the list.
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
I need a full description of the guy I hooked up with. I don't think I ever saw his face
he seemed brazillian..
fuck.
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
Randomize
