everyone is single if you try hard enough
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
planned parenthood is perfect for picking up chicks...they all put out
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I tried to settle their lesbian roommate fight by turning on Pretty Wild
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Randomize
