Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
Can I use your boat
Also, what’s the deal with international water? Do they have signs out there like a city does or do I need a map?
WTH is going on? It’s the middle of the night
Randomize
