Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
YAS. BRING CRAB.
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
