Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Are you still goin to the xmas party?
Yaaaa why?
Jus making sure i will have nice people i know to put a blanket over me when i pass out in the field .
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
My serious response to your Cathy tattoo inquiry- Do you ever want to get laid by someone not wearing a Blossom style bucket hat? Tattoo accordingly.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
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