I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
How did you get the entire couch up on it's side and into the bathroom?
HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I am mentally ready for anal.
Randomize
