i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
