I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
I went to his work to give him some blankets and ended up blowing him in the bathroom. See what happens when you don't come over?
She left me a voicemail too. It's just her moaning her name repeatedly
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
Randomize
