Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
Randomize
