My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.
Fuck you and your fucking taquito's.
You mentioned his name and i threw up a little.
Randomize
