U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
It was a simpler time. With fewer STDs.
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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