I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
I used to shoot steroids in my ass but for a totally different reason
Randomize
