Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.
Well thats $24,000 well spent.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
Just took a shot of tequila with a random guy at the supermarket. Happy cinco de fourth.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
I don't know if it was the movie or the drugs but after i watched it i wore the same spongebob shirt to school for two weeks and stopped showering
Randomize
