did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
normally I beat off every night before I go to bed even though my little brother sleeps in the same room. So I was starting to last night, and he jumped out of bed and said "Fuck, Im not listening to this shit again" We havent talked since. fuck me
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
My stripper pole led lights flash with the sound so it's awsome with music
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
He was dressed as the 420 Easter bunny...he looked like a walking anti-drug campaign.
You fell in the corner and refused to get up unless someone helped you. And then you crawled under the pool table and took a nap.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Randomize
