fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
