i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
Randomize