god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
He has a British accent. He could read me the phone book and I would come so hard he would need a wizened old man in a rowboat to save him.
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
Randomize
