btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
i'm not sure when i reached "slam my own hand in the door" status but my half attached fingernail is not grateful.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
You brought string cheese to the strip club
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
