at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.
I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.
This ER has an aquarium in it!!!
I'm pretty sure I have enough material at this point to start a blog called Guys I've Banged in Pictures together. Why does this keep happening to me!
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I told you that you should stop drinking and you responded "Thanks for telling me how to live, North Korea!"
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Randomize
