I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
