She looked like cheddar but tasted like limburger...
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
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