I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
last night was a success...if success means i don't remember the guy's name and my panties are somewhere in the parking lot behind the bar
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
So drunk can't even tell it's my own house. WOaoOw.
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
My hand smells like rave and peanut butter.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Randomize
