I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
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