she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
The beers last night were like the tears from god
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
