My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
Use "feeling words"
Yay
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
One of the guys just came in and goes "i walked all the way home with a pumpkin". Night just got better.
Randomize
