if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
all i remember is walking in on u shitting and crying listening to shawty get loose. its safe to say this break up has taken a toll on u
"Friendship bread", "how to get period stains out of cement", and "elephant bereavement" are all in my recent google history. Whatever shit that was last night really did me in...
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I dont remember you getting a condom thrown at you. I think I had a concusion
why is half of my head shaved?
Randomize
