beeferoni + vodka = puke stuck in braces.
It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
He only has one ball. it was like fucking a cyclops.
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