I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
I got us a lift home. Payment may require me giving road head, are you cool just chilling in the back seat pretending to be oblivious to this happening?
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
I KNEW IT. I HAD A FEELING. THIS IS GODS CURSE. BREAK UP WITH A SEX GOD. GET ONE OF HIS PEASANTS.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
There we go, I shall begin my attempt to achieve whore status today
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
Randomize
