i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
There's a weed, money and oreo filled pinata promised for our party.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
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