on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
I'm currently trying to decide if crown or wild turkey will hurt worse coming back out through my nose later.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
But he has cupcakes AND I'm guaranteed an orgasm. .. I feel like I shouldn't even have to actually make a decision here.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
Dougie got over his pride nerves. Found him dancing on a float wearing nothing but rainbow boxers.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
Just heard him in the middle stall. Sounded like someone emptied a toolbox into the toilet.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
Our love of vodka is more proof than a maternity test
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