Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Saying she let herself go implies she was actually holding on
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
Randomize
