I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I respect you for how well you shave your vagina. It isn't easy and my dick faces out, not in.
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
The saddest thing about graduating is that we won't have free access to STI screening anymore
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
Randomize
